Four-Thirty.

That's what time Ryan woke me up. He was sitting outside our bedroom door and when I asked him what was wrong he said, "Mommy, Pee pee."

I stumbled off to the bathroom with him and sure enough his diaper was wet and my experience with a million diapers told me that it was probably the first time he'd gone in it and he'd done so recently. I helped him on the toilet and I then sat on the edge of the bathtub dazed because I had just been jolted from my warm bed and because my son was going to the bathroom at 4:30a.m. Oh, and let's not forget that he told me he needed to do this; the only thing that would have made this better would have been if he'd gone on his own and left me snuggled up next to Rourk in bed.

Unfortunately I couldn't go back to sleep after all of the excitement, so here I am at 6am, showered and with a cup of coffee in hand.

How about a little potty history?

If you have a child with Down syndrome then you were probably told or read somewhere that he or she will be difficult to potty train and they will be trained later than their typical peers. I have read this many times and conversations with other parents have supported what I have read over the years. But that didn't stop me from giving it a shot when Ryan was younger. I now believe all of our earlier efforts were basically a waste of time, but then again, maybe they helped us get to where we are now. Ya see, I don't actually know the answer to this. I have read my share of potty training books, and articles and gotten advice from others and for the most part none of it worked for Ryan. I have come to believe there is no magical system for potty training.

The run down....

When Ryan was around two I started sitting him on the potty. I didn't do this because I expected to train him; I just did it to expose him to the potty so that when we got serious at around 3 or so he'd be ready. He went happily to the potty and he was even successful on occasion. This went on for awhile, but nothing consistent and then I got pregnant with Lilly and I dropped all attempts because I had morning sickness for nearly three months. I was more concerned with making it through the day than about taking my kid to the bathroom. I dabbled in potty training again a few months before Lilly was born, but Ryan showed no interest and resisted sitting on the potty. Resistance is actually an understatement--he refused!! He would literally sit down on the floor and tell me, "No, no, no, Mommy. No Potty." If I pushed him he'd grab on to furniture and door facings like a vice grip as we continued toward the potty. I didn't want to scar him for life so I let it go realizing that Ryan wasn't going to be a potty training prodigy.

I let it go until the summer before Ryan went to K-3 at Berea First. Technically he was supposed to be potty trained to enter the program and that was the staffs' expectation despite the fact that I kept telling them that I doubted he'd be able to accomplish this skill by August. They were nice about it, they never said he couldn't come if he wasn't potty trained, but I still felt an immense amount of pressure to get him trained, so much so that I didn't sign him up for summer school at the Meyer Center because I wanted to have that time to concentrate on potty training.

That summer is my biggest potty training regret because I tried to push something on Ryan when I knew he wasn't ready all because of external pressures. I knew going into the summer that Ryan would not be independent by fall, but I had hoped that he could be on a schedule that would allow him to muddle though the two days per week he attended Berea First. I had a "fake it until you make it" plan in mind. This plan centered around schedule training....taking him to the bathroom every hour or so. We also put underwear on him and I thought having pee running down his leg would get his attention. It didn't work....he still refused to walk willingly to the bathroom thus the schedule idea was a bust and he didn't care when he was wet. At the end of the summer he wasn't any closer to being potty trained, I was frustrated, he was frustrated and I told Berea in a very nice way "take it or leave it." He went to school in a pull-up.

This is as good as time as any to say that I HATE SCHEDULE TRAINING!!! I know that it works for many kids, and I know it's praises are sung by many, but for my child it was awful and the only thing it did was put ME on a schedule and turn ME into a clock watcher. I can't live my life like that and it didn't help that Ryan wasn't buying it.

That's our history and until two weeks ago we had abandoned all efforts to potty train Ryan.

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An aside....

Last fall I attended a class about Potty Training. The presenter has a son with Down syndrome and much of what he said got my attention. He basically explained the intricate process our body goes through to gain independence on the potty. These aren't his words because I don't remember all of what he said, but for one to be potty trained the mind, body and spirit have to be aligned. He went into the physical process and the intellectual process and how a person has to be able to read all of these signals in order to get it all together. A light went on because I realized that I was trying to get a kid that on most days didn't know he had yogurt smeared all over his face to go to the bathroom independently. I realized that Ryan simply wasn't "in tune" with his body enough to coordinate going to the potty. Sure, he recognized parts of the process, but he was missing just as many parts as he had available to him. The presenter went on to say that a child with Down syndrome is potty trained on average at age 6. Wowza!

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Two weeks ago....

The plan to try again actually started when we had Ryan's IEP back in October. Potty training came up for discussion so Rourk and I gave a brief synopsis of our efforts up to that point. Everyone in the room gave us their opinions and I for one nodded and smiled a lot, but agreed to give it another go as soon as we had a long weekend to work on it. In the car Rourk and I talked about giving potty training another shot over Thanksgiving. Well, Thanksgiving rolled around and we made plans to go to my cousin's wedding and we decided that would be a terrible time to start potty training; we delayed until Christmas.

In the days leading up to the Christmas break I was skeptical, but hopeful. We bought new underwear, we decided to stay close to home and we vowed to stay calm and just roll with the punches. We threw out conventional wisdom and added Lilly to the mix, too.

Here we are on day 10 and Ryan is wearing his underwear all day, he's going to the potty on his own mostly and he appears to be proud of himself. We have to remind him to go potty---all the time. We took him about ever hour the first few days, but that was mostly for us because we were trying to figure out how long he can hold it--in Ryan's case that about 2-3 hours. By the end of last week Ryan was getting wise to us and he was starting to get tired of the whole thing and since I don't like the schedule training and because my goal is for him to be independent we decided to ease up on him and let him make decisions for himself. Yeah, he's had several accidents and he's gotten mad at us when we've told him to go to the potty, but he's getting it. We've used rewards minimally because they are only as good as Ryan's mood---if he doesn't want to pee on the potty a big bag of chocolate isn't going to change his mind. (If you think my child isn't strong-willed think again.) If he doesn't go to the potty when we tell him and he's creeping up on the three hour mark we take away his privileges...for Ryan that's tv and toys. I simply turn the tv off or take the toy from him and tell him to go to the potty. He protests usually, but so far he wants to play more than hold out to see how far we will take things. I have this sinking feeling he'll have a few set backs when he goes to school next week, but that's just going to have to be okay. The way I see it he has to learn from his mistakes, or an even better way to putting it--- he has to learn from his accidents.

I have decided a few things along the way and the first of which is this: There is no correlation between cognitive development, physical development and potty training. Sure, all those skills have to be there, but they don't guarantee success. My kid has a a great deal of physical prowess--he can turn somersaults, swing upside down on the monkey bars and ride a tricycle, but that doesn't mean he possess the muscle control necessary to pee in the potty on demand. I also think he's a pretty smart kid, but it takes a higher level of thinking to perceive the urge to pee, control it long enough to get to the toilet and then go. That's true for every child, but throw Down syndrome and the pervasive developmental delays associated with the diagnosis on top of that and it is no wonder it often takes longer to achieve independence on the potty. I am not saying it can't happen because I know of a few children (okay just one) with Down syndrome that were potty trained along side their typically developing peers, but I think for most of us it is going to be a process, one that's going to take patience, understanding and a good washing machine.

The second thing I have learned from all of this is as parents we have to stop beating ourselves up if our kids aren't successful when we want them to be in life and I don't just mean potty training. I hate to throw this ole adage in there, but you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink....I can take Ryan to the potty every ten minutes, but I can't make him pee. (I can read to Lilly twenty minutes a day, but she's still probably going to like math like her Daddy.) I also think as parents we take this lack of achievement way too personal. I know I have said stuff like, "Well, if I go about it this way he'll get it." or "If I just try a little harder." "If I am more strict with him." "If I had of done this or that then may be he'd be potty trained by now." (If I was more relaxed then maybe Lilly wouldn't be so high strung.) Then I stop and realize how ridiculous all that sounds because they have their own life to live even at this young age.

And the last thing I have learned...do what you think is right for your kids....follow your gut....and don't worry about what others may be thinking or saying--- and by all means don't let it unduly influence your decisions. At the end of the day take an account of the decisions you've made and if you are happy with them let it be enough and if you are not then pick out what you'd do different and be done with it.