I figured it out.

This has been a tough week for me, one filled with less sleep, new schedules and new kids.  Of course I don't really have new kids, but it sure does feel like it sometimes.  Ryan and Lilly both started new school programs this past week.  Just a few days before that Ryan started going to the potty by himself and Lilly emphatically said she is a big girl and that's the reason she is no longer in Miss Jennifer's classroom.  Lilly wants to pick out her own clothes, wash her hair by herself and she can hold her own (most of the time) to her big brother. They wouldn't be seen on the baby swings at the park if you paid them and they play games on the computer.  Ryan has to wear a belt and tuck in his shirt at school and Lilly insists on carrying her lunch in the new pink bag I got her.  It is as if they have now shed the last remnants of babyhood and are moving like runaway trains into childhood.

This realization has brought tears to my eyes not once, but several times as I've worked to get into our new routine.  It's exciting to see them grow up and I am proud of all that they've accomplished, but it's sad to hear them tell you, "No mommy, don't hold my hand.  I be careful.  I do it."  We were at the park today when Ryan told me these words as I tried to help him go down the steps on the playground equipment.  He meant what he said and all I could do was stand there holding my breathe and watch as he took each step to the ground.  

I am learning that letting go is a big part of motherhood, and that I must stand close by so that when they need me I can be easily found.

My joy.

We don't eat at our dining room table.  We've had it for three years and I think we've eaten at it three times.  We eat almost all of our meals at a dinette that we picked up right after we got married while living in Stevenson, Alabama.  We bought it at this little furniture store called Bogart's.  I liked the table and I liked that we were buying from a business in our local community and it fit our budget.

But this post isn't about my worn out table, it is about the dining room table that I begged for the summer I was pregnant with Lilly and what it has done for me.   It has sat in the dining room collecting dust for three years, so over our Christmas break I decided to display a collection of family photos on it.  I spent an entire afternoon going through everything from prints that we had from formal studio sessions, to snapshots that I had taken in our backyard.  I picked out my favorites, framed them and now they are sitting on our barely used dining room table. 

I didn't anticipate the impact this project would have on me.  I didn't anticipate lingering at the doorway as often as I have or looking over my shoulder into the room as I heat my coffee in the microwave just to scan the photographs that span my family's years together.  I've stood there for sometimes five minutes or more sipping my coffee and reminiscing about life with Rourk and our children.  I had no idea that looking at a bunch of old photographs would bring me so much joy.

The photographs are also affirmation that our family is full.  Full of laughter, togetherness, joy and most of all Love.  Years ago Rourk dubbed us "Team Freeman."  And during tough times we've made these corny jokes about how Team Freeman can get through anything.  When Rourk and I were at the hospital trying to find our footing after the shock or Ryan's diagnosis we came together as Team Freeman.  I remember sitting beside Rourk while he was holding Ryan in his palms and he said that Ryan didn't ask to have Down syndrome--it wasn't his fault and that our job was to do all that we could to make sure he's happy.  It was a decree.  Of all the things that Rourk said during those first few weeks to comfort us that was the one that made the biggest impression on me.  I haven't always been true; I have parenting moments that I am not proud of, but I hope that when Ryan and Lilly reach adulthood and I am gone they can say to themselves and others that there was joy, happiness and all the other wonderful things I mentioned above in our family. 

When I look at the photographs I see strong, independent children that know without question that they are loved above all else.  The other day a friend of mine told me that Ryan and Lilly are always so happy in all the pictures she sees of them.  I read way more into that comment than she intended, because for me it was a compliment.  I like to think of it as a reflection of what Rourk and I are doing as parents.  My hope, my prayer is that we are building a foundation that will carry them into adulthood possessing the same character that I see as I gaze upon the photographs on my dining room table.

So to Rourk, Ryan and Lilly. Thank you for being my love and my joy.

Copycat.

Anne at Archie's Room wrote this:

Archie’s birthday is only two weeks away, and I always find myself comparing how much we know now to how much we could only guess at back then, in those final few days before Archie was born.

We were eager to meet our baby, but we were scared, too. He was an ultrasound image then, a fetal echocardiogram, a chromosomal analysis. He was a medical anomaly, one about whom our doctors made predictions and we postulated based on preconditions. We knew we’d love him, this baby of ours, and we believed in his potential, but we wanted to know him, too.

Now we know a little boy who thinks bicycle shops are cool and says as much, and for that we are the luckiest people in the world. We’ve learned about him, and he’s taught us about ourselves, and I don’t know where we’d be without Archie and his open heart and able mind. Six years later on an October afternoon while driving down the road toward our house, toward our home, I can tell you that I decided that this oldest boy of ours is more than we’d ever hoped for, that he’s the prescription for our perspective.


What she says sums up what Rourk and I were thinking on Monday night as we were sitting back watching Ryan celebrate his 6th birthday. It was just us, just the four of us sitting around the kitchen table singing Happy Birthday over and over and over again. We had chocolate cake, Ryan's favorite, and chocolate ice cream, a runner-up to the cake and presents and lots of laughter. And there was the silence that Rourk and I shared as we watched our children play and these few words that I spoke, "I sure wish we could have known then what we know now about Ryan." Rourk agreed and that was all that had to be said as we left each other to contemplate the birth of our oldest child.

What I'm reading.

I bought this the other day after seeing it on Amazon. It was one of those spontaneous purchases that came way too easy thanks to saved credit card information and a couple of clicks on the computer. I have only read the first few chapters, but so far I appreciate the author's honesty and willingness to share truthfully the thoughts and emotions that she had upon learning that her son has Down syndrome. She says many things that we all probably thought but were too ashamed to utter to anyone else. It's been almost six years since Ryan was born and I remember all to well how I felt when I was told that same thing, maybe this year I'll tell you about it.

Setting the record straight.

The other day I was asked, "Don't you think God only gives children with Down syndrome to special parents?" I was speaking before a local Rotary group so I wanted to answer honestly, because over the years people have told me that Rourk and I must be special to have been blessed with such an angel like Ryan. Comments like this one and others like it never sit well with me, but when strangers in the grocery store make them I usually just smile, make some off-handed comment and move along. Sure,I could tell them that Rourk and I are just like everyone else and that our son is definitely not an angel in hopes of dispelling some of the myths about Down syndrome, but people that say such things would just think I am a spoil-sport.

But there at the Rotary club I had a captured audience and an opportunity to set the record straight. This is basically what I said to them.

While I believe that Ryan is meant to be a part of our family and feel thankful to have him in our life I do not feel that Rourk and I were singled-out by God to have a child with Down syndrome because of our extraordinary parenting skills. We're just run of the mill parents, we get it right sometimes and we make plenty of mistakes, too.

So no, I don't think God blesses special parents with children with disabilities. We have all been out and seen a family situation that makes us feel uncomfortable for one reason or another because we perceive that the parents aren't doing a good job or we hear a news story of abuse and neglect and hope the state intervenes appropriately. These same things happen in families that have a special needs child, unfortunately I have seen it first hand. Children with special needs don't get a free ride simply because they have a disability.

I appreciate your question, and I could have answered it lightly, but since you asked I wanted to take the opportunity to share my opinion with you. It's easy in the limited amount of time we have today for me to paint a pretty picture of what it is like to have a child with Down syndrome but that's not always the case.

revelations

Sometimes I have revelations and my most recent revelation is that I naively thought that most people believe the same things I do about raising a child with a disability, but that's not the case. So the truth is I have lots of things I want to blog about here, but I am having to work through how much I want to publicly share because of the judgment that may be passed. And if you think you aren't judgmental, take a moment to think again because we're are all that way from time to time. I am judgmental more often that I want to admit, but I think it is human nature and something we all need to work on improving in our lives. So for now I am keeping quiet, thinking, sorting out thoughts and doing the best I can.


“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” -Paulo Coelho

Just a little extra.

I found this link about Montessori language activities while visiting one of my favorite blogs. I am always looking for things to do with Lilly and Ryan and this site has several that I believe they will both enjoy. I thought I'd share them with you, too.

Trouble.

Would I get into trouble if I embroidered this on one of Ryan's t-shirts?

There's always tomorrow.

I know the blog has stooped to a new level of boring. This is why...

I get home 3:30ish each afternoon with children in tow and from there I clean up the mess we left in the house as we were rushing out the door at 7:15 a.m. While doing this I frantically think about dinner before I throw something together and somewhere in all that I play referee to Ryan and Lilly, and then I sip a glass a wine and surf the net taking in Facebook and a few of my favorite blogs and then we eat dinner and I do a few more things with the kids or I clean up a bit more, or I take them outside to play if it isn't raining or hasn't rained, which it has been doing a lot these days. This takes up all my time between 3:30 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. It doesn't stop there because then it is time to get the kids ready for bed and then to be honest with you I am ready for bed, too, but because I hate to admit I want to go to bed at 8:30 p.m. I try to stay up until 9:00 p.m, but then just about every night I fall asleep on the couch or I go upstairs saying I am going to read in bed, but that never lasts long because I usually turn the lights out by 9:15 p.m. I suppose I could write a post around 9 o'clock, but I am never very coherent at that time of day so I worry that my sentences are just going to slur together and be a jumbled mess, you know, kinda like this paragraph, so I go to sleep thinking I'll share my thoughts another day.

There's always tomorrow.

Getting the job done.

I miss coming to the blog every few days and rambling on and on about the kids and then from time to time posting something that might actually be useful to people. I have composed many posts in my head since going back to work full-time at Rourk's office, but there never seems to be enough time in the day to do all that needs to be done and especially not enough time to sit before the computer and write and move aimlessly from one blog to another.

But in the few minutes that I have while Lilly is sleeping, Rourk is working and I am waiting for Ryan to get home from school I want to share that life is good. I didn't want to become Rourk's office manager. I fought that for almost five years, digging in my heals and basically refusing to do it. I only conceded out of financial necessity; dentistry isn't immune to financial downturn any more than the next business. The first few weeks were miserable because I thought I knew what was going on in the office, but in reality I didn't have a clue. I have spent the better part of the last month drowning, overwhelmed by the magnitude of work there is to do there, but my head is above water now. I am feeling confident and in control.

Rourk and I are working well together. I hardly ever see him at he office. He's in the back doing in his thing and I am in the front doing mine. Our paths only cross when I seek him out to answer a question that is beyond my scope of dental expertise. He comes to me when he needs to know something about a patient's insurance or he needs me to follow-up on something for him. I think we're a good fit.

Ryan and Lilly are resilient. They have adapted to the changes much easier than I have in the last month. Ryan's biggest complaint has been that he doesn't want to get up when it is still dark outside. I can't say that I blame him. And Lilly is my happy-go-lucky girl. She's up, ready to go to school and loves playing with her friends. Most days when I pick her up she tells me that she isn't ready to go home despite the fact that she has been at school for nine hours. I take that as a good sign. (Nine hours, I can't believe I just said that my baby is at daycare for nine hours each day.)

Ryan even comes to the office for an hour or so each day. Everyone loves him and given the chance he charms our patients with his smile and by introducing himself as "Me Ryan." He's also responsible for shredding paper each day. I think he's earning his keep!

So we've done it--The Freeman crew has pulled together, hunkered down and got the job done.

Good Day.

Today was a good day....

I was the last one out of bed this morning.

Rourk took both kids to school and left me snuggled under a blanket on the couch sipping coffee and watching morning shows.

I stayed on said couch until 10:30 a.m. before getting up and sewing for a couple of hours.

I watched several episodes of Entourage. HBO On Demand is awesome and commercial free.

I finally took a shower and then took a nap. You want to know how long it has been since I took a nap in the middle of the day? Two years.

I had the house to myself for approximately two hours while Rourk took Ryan to his ENT appointment and then went to get Lilly. I surfed the net, watched more Entourage and completed my third sewing project for the day.

We got take out for dinner. Rourk cleaned the kitchen and now he is reading to Lilly. He's a good man.

Now I am planning Lilly's Easter dress. I am thinking inverted pleats and embroidery on cotton batiste. Yeah, I have time for that.

What's next? More internet, maybe a little Facebook and more Entourage. Yes, a very good day indeed.

There are monsters in the house.

This morning Ryan went upstairs to get Dolly and several other stuffed animals from his bed. Lilly followed him and it was no time before I could hear them jumping and playing in his bed. I went upstairs to check on them and as I was rounding the corner I heard Ryan say, "Shhhh, Lilly. Sleep." I then heard both of them giggle and try their best to make snoring sounds. When I got to Ryan's room they were both in his bed hiding under the covers snickering and snoring.

I then asked, "What are you two doing up here?" In response Ryan threw back the covers and screamed, "Ahhhh, help, it's a monster." "Lilly, it's a monster." They both scrambled from the bed screaming, "Ahhh, help. Ahhhhh, run, it's a monster." as they made their way back downstairs.

All I could do is stand there and laugh and think about the joy my kids bring to me. Moments like this one make up for finding socks everywhere and cleaning up the trillion messes they make each day.

I'm not smart enough to make this stuff up.

Ryan was sitting on the potty this afternoon just a few feet from where I was switching laundry from the washer to the dryer when I heard him say, "Wow, mommy. Ryan strong." I continued my task before stepping into the doorway to ask, "So, Ryan's strong, uh?" Ryan responded by saying, "Yeah, look mommy!" My gaze followed Ryan's pointed finger to see that he had peed on the floor and the stream extended a good four feet in front of him. I am not kidding... easily four feet.

Just like a man to be proud of such an extraordinary feat.

Ten minutes later....

I still hadn't changed out of the clothes I had worn to Rourk's office this morning so I decided to take the laundry basket upstairs and change into a pair of jeans. I left the kids in the kitchen eating a snack at the table. I swear I wasn't gone five minutes but in the time that it took for me to change clothes Lilly had disappeared from her spot at the table. I called for her and when I didn't get a response I asked Ryan about her whereabouts and he pointed toward the backdoor and told me that she went outside.

It was raining so I thought he must be wrong, but I took a quick second to look outside anyway. I didn't see her, but Ryan insisted that she had gone out so I opened the back door and sure enough I could hear her talking, but I could not see her. You know why? Because she was sitting down in the far corner of the flower bed digging a hole in the mud with a stick. All she had on was a pair socks, underwear and a t-shirt. The socks and underwear are still on the deck because they are covered in mud. I think they are probably destined for the trash. So much for being nomimated for Mother of the Year.

I am strong.

I took Ryan and Lilly outside for a few minutes this afternoon. It was probably around 40 degrees but I decided a bit of fresh air would do us all good. So there we were in the backyard bundled from head-to-toe in gloves, scarves and coats with the hoods pulled snugly around our heads.

As we stepped out on to the deck I immediately regretted my idea because I could feel the cold penetrating my jeans and sending a chill through me. I wished that I had put a movie on instead and encouraged Ryan and Lilly to snuggle together under a blanket in the den, but it was too late to change plans because Ryan and Lilly were already racing across the backyard to investigate Rourk's newly planted trees.

I ventured into the yard and stationed myself so that my back was to the sun. I stood there soaking up the precious warmth provided by the late afternoon rays and listening to my children. They lost interest in the trees within a few minutes and moved on to play a game that I like to call, "I Am Strong." The rules are simple: find a stick, pry rocks or clods of dirt out of the ground and exclaim with arms raised in the air, "I am strong."

I enjoyed watching them play together, but listening to them talk with each other was by far better.

Ryan: "Lilly. Look. Rock." and as he successfully pried it out of the ground, "Lilly, Ryan strong."

Lilly: "Strong Ryan." She then shows him a clod of dirt. "Ryan. Look rock."

Ryan: "No Lilly. That's dirt."

Lilly: "Oh, dirt." As she tossed it over her shoulder and made her way after him.

They talk about big rocks and small rocks and throwing rocks and dinosaurs and there was even a "Whew! That was close.' from Ryan as he sailed a rock through the air and nearly hit Lilly in the head with it.

And they talked about music and I was most impressed...

Ryan: "Lilly. Stop it! Listen." He said this as he cupped his hand to his ear. What he heard was hammers from a nearby construction site. He continued by saying, "Listen. Lilly. It's music."

Lilly: "Music" she nodded in agreement. She then took her stick, held it to her lips and pretended to play a flute with it. She did her best to make a whistling sound while bobbing her head back and forth to the beat.

Ryan followed her lead and turned his stick into an imaginary trumpet and they marched in place while he sang Baa, Baa Black Sheep.

Now that Lilly is getting older I have been giving them more time to just be together without interruptions or interventions from me. I let them play together and fight together and just hash it out sometimes whether that be when they are working out the rules of a game, who's turn it is to play with a coveted toy, or where they will sit at the dinner table. It's my idea of bonding, of knitting themselves together during the good and bad. There will come a day when they will have to depend on each other. My goal is not for this dependence to be one sided. I don't want Lilly feeling as if she is giving and not receiving from Ryan. I want her to understand that her gifts will be different; she may be responsible for guiding Ryan through life and helping him to make decision that most sibling do not have to consider. I want her to understand that Ryan has gifts inside of him, too. He will present her with unconditional love and loyalty, laughter and joy.

He will give her challenges that will test her strength and quite possibly her courage. I hope it is at those times that she can reflect on her childhood and call upon the games they played together and remember "I am strong."

Four-Thirty.

That's what time Ryan woke me up. He was sitting outside our bedroom door and when I asked him what was wrong he said, "Mommy, Pee pee."

I stumbled off to the bathroom with him and sure enough his diaper was wet and my experience with a million diapers told me that it was probably the first time he'd gone in it and he'd done so recently. I helped him on the toilet and I then sat on the edge of the bathtub dazed because I had just been jolted from my warm bed and because my son was going to the bathroom at 4:30a.m. Oh, and let's not forget that he told me he needed to do this; the only thing that would have made this better would have been if he'd gone on his own and left me snuggled up next to Rourk in bed.

Unfortunately I couldn't go back to sleep after all of the excitement, so here I am at 6am, showered and with a cup of coffee in hand.

How about a little potty history?

If you have a child with Down syndrome then you were probably told or read somewhere that he or she will be difficult to potty train and they will be trained later than their typical peers. I have read this many times and conversations with other parents have supported what I have read over the years. But that didn't stop me from giving it a shot when Ryan was younger. I now believe all of our earlier efforts were basically a waste of time, but then again, maybe they helped us get to where we are now. Ya see, I don't actually know the answer to this. I have read my share of potty training books, and articles and gotten advice from others and for the most part none of it worked for Ryan. I have come to believe there is no magical system for potty training.

The run down....

When Ryan was around two I started sitting him on the potty. I didn't do this because I expected to train him; I just did it to expose him to the potty so that when we got serious at around 3 or so he'd be ready. He went happily to the potty and he was even successful on occasion. This went on for awhile, but nothing consistent and then I got pregnant with Lilly and I dropped all attempts because I had morning sickness for nearly three months. I was more concerned with making it through the day than about taking my kid to the bathroom. I dabbled in potty training again a few months before Lilly was born, but Ryan showed no interest and resisted sitting on the potty. Resistance is actually an understatement--he refused!! He would literally sit down on the floor and tell me, "No, no, no, Mommy. No Potty." If I pushed him he'd grab on to furniture and door facings like a vice grip as we continued toward the potty. I didn't want to scar him for life so I let it go realizing that Ryan wasn't going to be a potty training prodigy.

I let it go until the summer before Ryan went to K-3 at Berea First. Technically he was supposed to be potty trained to enter the program and that was the staffs' expectation despite the fact that I kept telling them that I doubted he'd be able to accomplish this skill by August. They were nice about it, they never said he couldn't come if he wasn't potty trained, but I still felt an immense amount of pressure to get him trained, so much so that I didn't sign him up for summer school at the Meyer Center because I wanted to have that time to concentrate on potty training.

That summer is my biggest potty training regret because I tried to push something on Ryan when I knew he wasn't ready all because of external pressures. I knew going into the summer that Ryan would not be independent by fall, but I had hoped that he could be on a schedule that would allow him to muddle though the two days per week he attended Berea First. I had a "fake it until you make it" plan in mind. This plan centered around schedule training....taking him to the bathroom every hour or so. We also put underwear on him and I thought having pee running down his leg would get his attention. It didn't work....he still refused to walk willingly to the bathroom thus the schedule idea was a bust and he didn't care when he was wet. At the end of the summer he wasn't any closer to being potty trained, I was frustrated, he was frustrated and I told Berea in a very nice way "take it or leave it." He went to school in a pull-up.

This is as good as time as any to say that I HATE SCHEDULE TRAINING!!! I know that it works for many kids, and I know it's praises are sung by many, but for my child it was awful and the only thing it did was put ME on a schedule and turn ME into a clock watcher. I can't live my life like that and it didn't help that Ryan wasn't buying it.

That's our history and until two weeks ago we had abandoned all efforts to potty train Ryan.

******

An aside....

Last fall I attended a class about Potty Training. The presenter has a son with Down syndrome and much of what he said got my attention. He basically explained the intricate process our body goes through to gain independence on the potty. These aren't his words because I don't remember all of what he said, but for one to be potty trained the mind, body and spirit have to be aligned. He went into the physical process and the intellectual process and how a person has to be able to read all of these signals in order to get it all together. A light went on because I realized that I was trying to get a kid that on most days didn't know he had yogurt smeared all over his face to go to the bathroom independently. I realized that Ryan simply wasn't "in tune" with his body enough to coordinate going to the potty. Sure, he recognized parts of the process, but he was missing just as many parts as he had available to him. The presenter went on to say that a child with Down syndrome is potty trained on average at age 6. Wowza!

******

Two weeks ago....

The plan to try again actually started when we had Ryan's IEP back in October. Potty training came up for discussion so Rourk and I gave a brief synopsis of our efforts up to that point. Everyone in the room gave us their opinions and I for one nodded and smiled a lot, but agreed to give it another go as soon as we had a long weekend to work on it. In the car Rourk and I talked about giving potty training another shot over Thanksgiving. Well, Thanksgiving rolled around and we made plans to go to my cousin's wedding and we decided that would be a terrible time to start potty training; we delayed until Christmas.

In the days leading up to the Christmas break I was skeptical, but hopeful. We bought new underwear, we decided to stay close to home and we vowed to stay calm and just roll with the punches. We threw out conventional wisdom and added Lilly to the mix, too.

Here we are on day 10 and Ryan is wearing his underwear all day, he's going to the potty on his own mostly and he appears to be proud of himself. We have to remind him to go potty---all the time. We took him about ever hour the first few days, but that was mostly for us because we were trying to figure out how long he can hold it--in Ryan's case that about 2-3 hours. By the end of last week Ryan was getting wise to us and he was starting to get tired of the whole thing and since I don't like the schedule training and because my goal is for him to be independent we decided to ease up on him and let him make decisions for himself. Yeah, he's had several accidents and he's gotten mad at us when we've told him to go to the potty, but he's getting it. We've used rewards minimally because they are only as good as Ryan's mood---if he doesn't want to pee on the potty a big bag of chocolate isn't going to change his mind. (If you think my child isn't strong-willed think again.) If he doesn't go to the potty when we tell him and he's creeping up on the three hour mark we take away his privileges...for Ryan that's tv and toys. I simply turn the tv off or take the toy from him and tell him to go to the potty. He protests usually, but so far he wants to play more than hold out to see how far we will take things. I have this sinking feeling he'll have a few set backs when he goes to school next week, but that's just going to have to be okay. The way I see it he has to learn from his mistakes, or an even better way to putting it--- he has to learn from his accidents.

I have decided a few things along the way and the first of which is this: There is no correlation between cognitive development, physical development and potty training. Sure, all those skills have to be there, but they don't guarantee success. My kid has a a great deal of physical prowess--he can turn somersaults, swing upside down on the monkey bars and ride a tricycle, but that doesn't mean he possess the muscle control necessary to pee in the potty on demand. I also think he's a pretty smart kid, but it takes a higher level of thinking to perceive the urge to pee, control it long enough to get to the toilet and then go. That's true for every child, but throw Down syndrome and the pervasive developmental delays associated with the diagnosis on top of that and it is no wonder it often takes longer to achieve independence on the potty. I am not saying it can't happen because I know of a few children (okay just one) with Down syndrome that were potty trained along side their typically developing peers, but I think for most of us it is going to be a process, one that's going to take patience, understanding and a good washing machine.

The second thing I have learned from all of this is as parents we have to stop beating ourselves up if our kids aren't successful when we want them to be in life and I don't just mean potty training. I hate to throw this ole adage in there, but you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink....I can take Ryan to the potty every ten minutes, but I can't make him pee. (I can read to Lilly twenty minutes a day, but she's still probably going to like math like her Daddy.) I also think as parents we take this lack of achievement way too personal. I know I have said stuff like, "Well, if I go about it this way he'll get it." or "If I just try a little harder." "If I am more strict with him." "If I had of done this or that then may be he'd be potty trained by now." (If I was more relaxed then maybe Lilly wouldn't be so high strung.) Then I stop and realize how ridiculous all that sounds because they have their own life to live even at this young age.

And the last thing I have learned...do what you think is right for your kids....follow your gut....and don't worry about what others may be thinking or saying--- and by all means don't let it unduly influence your decisions. At the end of the day take an account of the decisions you've made and if you are happy with them let it be enough and if you are not then pick out what you'd do different and be done with it.

What kind of mother am I?

You remember the other day when I told you that my children were upstairs running around naked with cereal bars? Well, this is how I found them when I went upstairs to retrieve them. They were in Ryan's bed and simply having the best time ever. Ryan even told me to leave the room and close the door when I came in to get them.

Later that afternoon when I went back to Ryan's room to straighten up and make the bed I found cereal bar ground into the carpet and the sheets. I chastised myself for letting them break the rules and grumbled as making the bed turned into changing the sheets, but then I stopped myself as I remembered the fun they were having together.

I think about this now because as I am typing this my two have the back door wide open (another broken rule) and they are standing at its threshold, leaning forward so their heads are outside and their feet are still in the kitchen and they are screaming, "Mommy, It's cold." You know why I am letting them do this other than the fact it is very entertaining? I am letting them do this because 10 minutes ago both of them asked to go outside to play and I told them it is too cold to play outside. To that Lilly looked at me and yelled, "Mommy. Outside. Now." Ryan looked at me, pointed to the sun and said, "It's okay Mommy, sun." I couldn't help but laugh and then told him that it is still cold despite the sun. In the time it has taken me to write this paragraph the screaming is over and the door is closed. Lilly and Ryan have moved into the den and are watching television. I believe they now understand that it is too cold to go outside. They understand it because they experienced the cold first hand.

I often ask myself "What kind of mother am I?" Am I too strict (yeah right), too lenient? Do I spend enough quality time with my kids? Do I work hard enough at getting them to eat green vegetables? Will my unconventional ways of teaching my children about the cold come back to haunt me one day? I even wonder how Ryan and Lilly will answer that question in 20 years. I don't obsess, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I question myself often. I guess for now only time will tell and I'll just have to take it day by day, even hour by hour and hope for the best.

We're going on a trip.

The Noggin song- Are we there yet? is going around and around in my head. It's such a catchy tune and fits my mood perfectly because in just over four hours I am leaving to go to Charleston to see my friend Amy.

I can't wait!

Amy and I have been friends since high school, but we became close during college and have kept up all these years. She could tell you several shocking stories about me. SHOCKING.

She met Ryan when he was a baby, but this will be her first introduction to Miss Lilly. I am not sure she's prepared for my children. (Yeah, they are running around naked again this morning...what's up with that?)

Seriously, I can't wait to see her!!

Amy will have her computer with her so we are going to try and do some remote blogging.

See you then!!

The naked truth.

Right now my children are winning the get- ready- and- go battle I have with them each morning. Right now they are running around upstairs naked with their breakfast bars in hand and jumping on the bed in Ryan's room.

I have decided to surrender, let them break the rules all in the name of a cup of coffee, a few minutes of morning news and the joy of listening to them giggle together.

Missed yesterday.

Yeah, I missed yesterday. I can't even use "I forgot." or "I didn't have time." as an excuse because I actually remembered two or three times about blogging, but I was just enjoying myself yesterday and I didn't want to take the time to come to the computer.

Yesterday was the last day of our vacation. I never count weekends because we get them off anyway. So with the last day I slipped into a state of laziness. I watched a movie and did a little sewing. I played cars with the kids and then I watched a movie with them. That was the best. We all got down on the floor with the throw pillows propped behind our heads and watched Winnie the Pooh together.

Then last night I went to bed at 9 o'clock. I bet I was asleep at 9:o5 p.m.

That's was good because I woke early this morning to Ryan knocking on the door. It was 6:15 a.m. I drug myself out of bed, made a cup of coffee and watched tv with him. It was nice having a few moments to snuggle under a quilt before Lilly and Rourk came downstairs.

The big event of the day was going to watch Anne cross the finish line. She ran her first half marathon this morning in 1:50:30. That's an awesome time!!

Now Lilly is sleeping, Ryan is playing and I am cutting out Christmas outfits for the Grimes' Boys. Rourk went to put the final touches on the office now that the painting crew is finished.

Yep, just a lazy Saturday in our house. I love it.

1960

1960.

2008.

I think I aged pretty well. Don't you?

I also think I need to go to bed and stop reading blogs until 1 a.m., and following links that lead me to places that cause me to do silly thing like morph myself into a 1960's high school graduate. If you need to add a bit of "silly" to your life go HERE.